| | (*Did you ever wish you could erase part of your life? I suppose it's been awhile since the last entry.*)
I suddenly felt cold. I knew my flesh had turned pasty and my expression stony. A nausea entered my stomach and threatened to escape. It was a queer feeling that made me feel like I had swallowed a bucket of worms and then preceded to get kicked in the stomach.
I felt pain through my heart that I never knew could be felt, and it physically hurt. Waves of regret and hopelessness splashed angrily within my mind. I was nothing. I had nothing. I felt as though the hobo living under the bridge had more to hope for than I. He, surely, would come closer to achieving his goals in life that I could ever imagine.
That wasn't true. I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I could imagine my dream life in ten years perfectly, but what once felt like a two-hour drive down the turnpike was now a seven light-year walk through a jungle I'd like to call my past.
I was tainted with the sins I'd already committed, and somehow I had earned myself a scarlet letter which forbid my dreams from ever coming true. That scarlet letter was a black hole in my heart, and I yearned to find a way to rip it from my world completely.
I knew that could never happen. I was stuck with my past. My scars. I could not lie about what I had done, but what I had done had somehow shaped who I was to others. No one believed, or cared to believe, who I really was. Maybe I was afraid to let them know me. Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt. Again. For the first time.
Confusion racked my being, and the room began to spin as though I'd had way too much to drink. There wasn't much I was sure about. There was nothing in the past I was sure about. I was sure about two things. One was what I wanted, however far away it now seemed. The other was what I loved. I was willing to fight for both, sacrifice for both, surrender everything else for both. Because to me nothing else mattered.
I had never felt that before either. Nothing else mattered.
(*Just some thoughts.*)
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| | Posted 8/24/2007 1:41 AM - 42 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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